everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
