his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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