so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
