the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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