Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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