My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
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