My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
