i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
