what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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