I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Randomize
