is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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