man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
