u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
