how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
