I wish my penis had an off switch
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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