I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
