from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You need a sexual gate keeper
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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