Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize