I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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