Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
