New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
