I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
bring money and cleavage
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
