That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
