When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
