So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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