Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
