I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
