my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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