I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I came so hard my ears popped.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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