i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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