Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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