can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
