We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
