you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
