I accidentally burped into my bong.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
