When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Randomize