Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
