Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
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