I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
