please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
