I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
