some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I have surprise drugs for everyone
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
