there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
