3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
