Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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