dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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