I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Found your dick twin last night
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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