Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
