Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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