you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Randomize
