forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
