Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
