Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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