it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
