hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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