drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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