I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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