You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
