I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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