And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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