I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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