My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
The air taste purple.
Randomize