Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
