i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
