Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
