You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
