woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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