So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
