I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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